Rediscovering myself

These past 9 months, ever since returning from India, I've found myself wondering: "What shall I do with my life?". There have been periods where I desperately sought answers from those who inspire me – an Ayurvedic doctor I call "my Indian dad," a social worker I met during a career transition, a spiritual friend, a former physiotherapy teacher, and others. However, after most of these conversations, I found myself even more confused. While deeply grateful for their willingness to help and share their perspectives, I now strive to quiet everyone's voices to listen to my own.

I have a notion that I want to pursue things in my life with a deep sense of passion and inspiration. In pursuit of this goal, I've realized how I've previously navigated my life: "I should do this because it's the right thing to do." But where was my soul in all of this? Sitting in the backseat, voiceless. The softer parts of me need to be present to feel my soul, to listen to it, with a gentleness that I've never known before. I've lived so much of my life in this "tough" energy towards myself – setting goals, pushing myself relentlessly, achieving, achieving, achieving. Initially, it was to become a professional dancer, and later as a physiotherapist. Society rewards achievement, so let's excel! Let's aim for high grades, prestigious jobs, a polished appearance, a beautiful home – let's show everyone what I'm capable of!

I am forever grateful for the experiences life has offered due to my hard work and perseverance. But I've found myself burned out. Some parts of me still are. Burned out from not allowing myself to be entirely authentic. I have this sensation of "faking" myself. I knew how to act, sound, and dress to appear confident, attractive, likable. But who am I when I'm not pretending anything?

I've come to realize that I am incredibly insecure! Insecure about myself. Bloody insecure, in fact. I don't feel like I know my own worth. And I'm scared too! Scared of enduring more suffering. Really. I realized this, as I started to live without any labels.

I've been thinking: "I don't want to fake anything anymore, but how do I navigate these emotions that I'm experiencing for the first time? Being insecure. Being afraid. Hiding. And will these emotions ever go away? It would be easiest to do what I've always done: Just push through it and ignore my true feelings. I'm still figuring this out: When to "push" and when to pause!

Right now it’s a PAUSE!

Embracing emptiness until true motivation truly strikes and resonates with every cell of my being. Actually, this is the first time I've felt genuine motivation by creating “Sofie’s Journal” and sharing it here with you. WUHUUU! What an accomplishment! I deeply cherish this feeling, so consider this my starting point!

Thank you for being here!